fun on both sides

when i looked at this photo today, i thought that's kind of what i'm feeling... like i'm on the wrong side of the chain-link fence.. standing on the side covered in foliage, not on the fun side with the swing set.

but sometimes i get really swept up in everything that doesn't go right, the bad things that happen, the things that don't go the way i want them to, the things that aren't how i want them, etc etc etc.. all of those things. they range from every day that goes by that i'm still driving my older brother's truck whilst my car is getting fixed to the hours i've spent trying to get my bathroom sink to drain quicker than twenty-five minutes.. they are the student loan sharks calling me and my folks and toothaches that remind me i don't have the insurance/money to get cavities fixed..

i can spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. and i do, i'll admit it. i get wrapped up in all of this stuff, i let it build and build and build and overwhelm. i lose sleep and gain weight and from experience i know that this affects my immune system and i catch every cough and cold going around. and when that happens, it takes a lot to pull myself out from under that little black rain cloud. it even gets to the point where i start to feel worse because i'm feeling this way.

i don't have it so bad. it's annoying to me when i let all of this get me so far down. every day i'm face-to-face with folks that, to me, have it much worse. they are battling cancer, they are losing limbs to diabetes, they are depressed and sad, they are eating out of garbage cans, they are just plain struggling and there i am, losing sleep because i can't decide what i want to do next in my life.

but bouncing my problems off of those i see who have it worse doesn't seem right. i shouldn't need to feel better by comparison. there is suffering everywhere. it comes in all shapes and sizes and affects everyone differently. sometimes i feel bad, yes, but i shouldn't feel better because i know that other people feel worse.

i should feel better because i do things to make those other people feel better. i should feel better because those things that make me frustrated and upset aren't as big as i have built them up to be. i should feel better because this negativity is temporary, it's fleeting, it's all going to be gone before i know it. one day is gloomy, the next is glaringly beautiful.

what i really need to do is stop taking everything so goshdarned seriously. i mean, crap. it's a hoot out there. laughing and being happy is fun and i'm pretty good at it, actually.

it's a change of perspective. i need to go from looking at life through the chain-link fence to looking at it after hopping over to the other side.



so. that's where you'll find me now. super wrapped up in myself. woo!