take three times daily

(taken in new york city at st. patrick's cathedral)

i think votive candles are a decent representation for the past week..

let's start with a week-ago-monday.. otherwise known as "Blue Monday".. the twenty-second of january is/was apparently the most depressing day of the year.. (see article link, via fox news. ha.) and i can't say i wasn't feeling some of that depression for all of that particular monday..

i found out late the night before that a friend of mine had been killed in a car accident.. the news had changed from "grave condition" to "gone" in just a few hours, leaving little time for the initial news to sink in.. not allowing for any real sense of hope to surround the shock of what had happened..

that night i tossed and turned with a fever and thoughts that maybe i had misunderstood. maybe when i got the phone call i had jumped to conclusions. i had misheard and he was still alive. what was i going to tell the people i had called and given the terrible news? how was i going to explain myself? would they understand?

when i awoke the next morning, Blue Monday, my fever was at its peak and i had to be at work at six thirty a.m. i went and while i tried to explain how shitty i was feeling to my boss, the degree to which i felt shitty was unexplainable.. i had a fever and a friend of mine was dead.. it didn't help that i had little to no information about what actually happened and what was happening.. not that i necessarily needed it, it just made things a little more complicated to explain.. all i could really think about was his wife and kids.. how i was told she wouldn't go in and talk to the doctor when it initially all took place.. what she was going to do, how she was going to handle the loss of her husband and the father/stepfather to her kids.. thankfully, as the week went on, she was surrounded by loads of family and friends..

and while i could go on about my perspective on death, impermanence of all things, the meaning of life, i won't.

i will say it was a beautiful funeral and service.. everyone who spoke reiterated what an incredible person he was. he had a knack of making people feel special.. he would listen if you really had something you needed to get off your chest.. he was loud, boisterous, full of something exciting that most people could only wish for.. he wanted everyone to have a good time.. if he thought you were down, he'd do his best to cheer you up.. and as one of his brothers said, "he would give you a nickname a little bit cooler than you actually were.." i've known him for almost as long as i've lived in nevada.. i played sports with his little sister so i knew who he was.. but it was only since i moved to reno that i earned my right to a special handshake (in lieu of a nickname. well. as far as i know.) and the joy of his enormous hugs.. when he had his first child, i babysat and tried to help him feel comfortable as a new bumbling dad.. he was great with kids.. when his stepson got transformers: the movie on dvd, i was told he watched it with him every single time it was on. he probably encouraged multiple viewings. because he could be enthusiastic about almost everything.

i could go on and on. but this was more to explain what's happened over the last week starting with the most depressing day of the year than to ramble on about him. but he was a beautiful person. i will miss him.